Stop bringing your whole self to work

"Just be yourself." I think we have all heard this well-intentioned advice at some point. Usually, the person saying it cares for you and wants to quiet your nerves in a situation where you have some anxiety about how you will be perceived. The many different versions of us — who show up to work, family, friends, and even ourselves — matter. But we should not always show how we are feeling in a given situation.

The key is knowing your core self well enough to understand how your emotional state will impact others.

This is the problem with the "bring your whole self to work" movement. It sounds compassionate and progressive. But it ignores a fundamental truth about how humans function in groups and how we impact one another.

Emotional states are contagious. This is not my opinion — it is neuroscience. Mirror neurons fire when we observe others' emotions, literally making us feel what they feel. When leaders start a meeting with a frustrated scowl or appear anxious and scattered? The team's energy shifts accordingly.

In my experience, this effect significantly increases with leadership roles. Whether you are a leader in title or action, your state of being directly influences your teammates' outlook and ability to thrive. You can promote enthusiasm, excite those around you, and create the conditions for great work. Or your personal drama can make it harder for the collective to succeed.

Bringing your "whole self" to work — if that whole self is exhausted, resentful, or checked out — is not authentic leadership. It is an abdication of responsibility.

Look, we all have different versions of ourselves. You do not bring the same version of yourself to a child's birthday party that you bring to a difficult conversation with a colleague. This does not mean you are being fake. Instead, you are being thoughtful about the needs of the moment and the people around you.

The version of you who turns up to guide a team, make decisions, and solve problems should be your most capable, focused, and generous self. Not because you are pretending, but because you owe it to the people counting on you.

Authentic leadership is not dumping your unfiltered inner state on everyone around you. Instead, it means:

• Setting clear vision and goals

• Showing humility and kindness to yourself and others

• Delivering feedback that helps others grow

• Admitting mistakes without excuses or blame

• Demonstrating care for people while maintaining high standards

• Being consistent in your values — even when it is hard

The key here is that all of the above hinges on emotional regulation. Not suppression, regulation. There is a difference.

Suppression pretends difficult emotions do not exist. Regulation acknowledges them and chooses how to process those emotions in the healthiest way possible. That is not to say that you will not have moments where you express frustration or disappointment. It just means that you do so with consideration of your impact on others.

Now, I am not naive or an unfeeling robot. There are absolutely limited times when what happens to us and others around us is difficult to regulate or respond to. Sometimes it is impossible. For example, I have written in the past about how to cry at work and the ways tragedy can impact us and those we love with little to no warning. But these are the infrequent exceptions.

So yes, be authentic. Create space for real conversations about challenges and concerns. But also be intentional about the version of yourself you bring to work each day.

If you are feeling stressed or dysregulated, pause before sending that email or venting at the start of a meeting. Check your state. Are you bringing the kind of energy that will help others do their best work? If not, take a moment and recenter yourself.

Everyone deserves a leader who shows up ready to solve problems — not create new ones based on the whims of their mood. And you deserve to share your best self (and not your every self) every moment of every day.

Be your best at Aha! — we are hiring Senior Product Managers, Platform Engineers, and Product Success Specialists right now.